So, in the midst of all this end-of-the-year chickenshit bullshit that is college, I've been playing with this possible scenario that will not only relieve me of stress (in ways the hand can only dream of), but it will also end the career of Svengoolie. Not that I have anything personally against Sven (aside from the fact that I only caught the last 20 minutes of The Island of Doctor Moreau the other night), but I just feel like this upcoming scenario places him on the "prime suspect" list:
In order for this to work I need a few supplies:
about 20-25' of three-strand twisted rope
1 dress (preferably white to emphasize my naive and immaculate nature)
1 wig (brunette, because, obviously, this needs to be as realistic as possible)
I also need a working set of train tracks, which is no problem because the Metra to Kenosha is conveniently located directly next to my apartment
Ok, so it's as simple as this: Dress up real pretty (dress, wig, get my nails did, etc), tie myself up (or be assisted, although this now makes someone an accomplice), and simply lay on the tracks and wait until that train to the badger state whizzes past School and Ravenswood. I'm assuming it should look something like this:
Snidely Whiplash will, I'm assuming, duck any possible police suspicion because of the mere fact that a cartoon character could never defeat a real life human being like myself. In case you need some more reliable proof than my own, here is a conversation between two 12-year-old boys:
Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you, cracked?
Vern: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Obviously Teddy Duchamp never tells a lie.
Anyway, since Snidely Whiplash will not be a suspect in my "murder" (also eliminating the possibility that that no-good canuck Dudley Do-Right will show up and foil my plan) the possible suspects will be greatly narrowed. It will be clear to the authorities that whoever committed this crime must gallivant around town in a top hat and a goofy, curly mustache based on the nature of this crime. This leaves only Svengoolie and Skinny Puppy fans, and everybody knows Skinny Puppy fans are a bunch of pussies. From there the authorities will need no further proof.
So why, exactly did I just write a ridiculously long entry about framing Svengoolie for murder? I dunno, I guess I just really wanted to see The Island of Doctor Moreau in it's entirety.
Aside from that, everything's been just dandy.
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